Purgatory Online

Thursday, July 24, 2003

In lieu of pointless comment on last night's game, I present the following vignette:
Beep BOOP BOOP BOOP Beep Beep BOOP Beep BOOP BOOP Beep.

Thank you for calling iNDemand! Please enter your five-digit ZIP Code!

Beep Beep Beep BOOP BOOP.

Thank you! To order an iNDemand product, please call your local cable company at 972-445-5555!

Beep Beep BOOP, BOOP BOOP Beep, Beep Beep Beep Beep.

Hello, and thank you for calling Comcast! For service in English, press one! Para instrucciones en Espanol, marque numero dos!

BOOP

For billing inquiries, press one! To report trouble with your service, order new service, or disconnect your service, press two! For...

BOOP

To do a bunch of stuff you don't want to do, press numbers one through three! To speak with a customer service representative, press four!

BOOP

All of our customer service representatives are currently assisting other callers. Please hang on, and we'll be with you as soon as possible.

[Hold music]

ThankyouforcallingComcastmynameisunintelligble, howmayihelpyou?

Hi. I'd like to order the half-season MLB Extra Innings package, please.

Can I have your phone number, area code first please?

Sure. It's xxx-xxx-xxxx.

Thank you.

[Long silence]

Okay, you want the MLB Extra Innings package...that's $109. Do you want that billed in three separate installments, or all at once?

Installments, please.

Or you could pay it all at once.

Does it cost more to pay in installments?

No.

Installments, then.

Okay. You're set.

Great. And it should start instantly?

Yep. Instantly.

Great, thanks for your help.

[30 minutes later]

Beep Beep BOOP, BOOP BOOP Beep, Beep Beep Beep Beep

Hello, and thank you for calling Comcast. For service in English, press...

BOOP

For billing inquiries, press one! To report trouble...

BOOP

To do a bunch of stuff...

BOOP

HithanksforcallingComcastmynameissomebodyelse, how may I help you.

Ah, hi. I ordered the MLB Extra Innings package about half an hour ago, and it hasn't shown up as available yet. Is there something I need to do on my end to make it work?

Hang on, let me see.

[Long silence]

Okay, it should be coming on in the next five or ten minutes.

[Just then, both cable boxes reset themselves]

Great. Thanks for your help.

Thanks for calling Comcast.

[One hour later]

Beep Beep BOOP, BOOP BOOP Beep, Beep Beep Beep Beep

Hello, and thank...

BOOP

For billing inq...

BOOP

To do a...

BOOP

HithanksforcallingComcastmynameisyetathirddrone, how may I help you.

Well, I ordered the MLB Extra Innings package about an hour and a half ago, and it hasn't shown up yet. I called an hour or so ago, and the customer service person I spoke to reset my cable boxes, but now they've completely cycled through and picked up all the programming information, but still no Extra Innings package.

Can I have your phone number, area code first?

Yes, it's xxx-xxx-xxxx.

And what are the last four digits in the Social Security Number for this account?

What?

For security reasons, we need the last four digits of the Social Security Number.

Uh, xxxx.

Hmmm. Okay. I think you actually need to speak with someone in Sales. Hold on just a minute while I transfer you.

What?

[Long pause]

Hi, you've reached Comcast Sales. Our normal office hours are from 8:30 to 5:30, Monday through Friday...

Beep Beep BOOP, BOOP BOOP Beep, Beep Beep Beep Beep

Hel...

BOOP

For...

BOOP

To...

BOOP

HithanksforcallingComcastmynameisstillafourthperson, how may I help you.

Hi. I ordered the MLB Exra Innings package earlier this evening, and it's not showing up yet. This is actually my third call trying to get this taken care of...

Can you hold for a moment?

...okay.

[ten seconds later]

Okay, is it on now?

Yes. Yes it is. Thank you for your help.

No problem. Thanks for calling Comcast.

Jeeeesus.

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