Purgatory Online

Friday, February 20, 2004

From today's Borowitz Report:

Homeless Red Sox Cry Foul

George Steinbrenner’s buying spree continued unabated today as the New York Yankees owner purchased Fenway Park, the legendary home of the arch-rival Boston Red Sox.

In buying Fenway out from under the Sox, Mr. Steinbrenner has left his Eastern Division rivals without a stadium for the first time in their history, jeopardizing the Red Sox’ bid for the American League pennant.

“It is hard to win a championship without pitching or hitting,” said David Hastings, a sports historian at the University of Minnesota. “But it is virtually impossible to win without a stadium.”

Red Sox owner John Henry, who spent most of the day scrambling to find a high school sandlot where his team might play the 2004 season, held an emotional press conference in Boston to denounce the big-spending Yankee honcho.

“Damn you, George Steinbrenner, damn you!” swore Mr. Henry, shaking his fist violently.

But Mr. Steinbrenner’s shopping day had barely begun, as he went on to outbid the Walt Disney Company for the legendary puppet characters, the Muppets.

While Mr. Steinbrenner did not indicate what role the Muppet characters might play in the Yankee organization, his aggressive purchase of Kermit, Miss Piggy et al reinforced the impression in baseball circles that the Yankee owner is willing to buy anything that is not nailed down.

Having assumed the $250 million contract of third baseman Alex Rodriguez, however, Mr. Steinbrenner acknowledged that he might have to economize by outsourcing second base to India.

In other baseball news, North Korea’s Kim Jung-Il revealed that he attempted to acquire A-Rod until he was told that A-Rod was not a piece of nuclear fuel.