Purgatory Online

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Goddamn Yeswecan for putting this in my head.

PURGATORY ONLINE PRESENTS

a SEAN PURGATORY PRODUCTION:

GUYS AND BALLS

[The scene - interior, Bill Stoneman's office at Angel Stadium. STONEMAN, SCOSCIA, and VARIOUS BASEBALL WRITERS are gathered around, discussing the upcoming season]

SCIOSCIA, STONEMAN, VARIOUS BASEBALL WRITERS
(to the tune of "The Oldest Established")
Troy Percival wanted four mil
Now he's left some big shoes to fill
So we now need a guy in the ninth
Who can crush out the other guys' life

Why, it's good old reliable Frankie,
Frankie, Frankie, Frankie to close!
If you're looking for strikeouts, he'll furnish a few
Even with the bases full he knows what to do
Yes, it's good old reliable Frankie,
Frankie, Frankie, Frankie to close!
And the oldest established permanently kick-ass bullpen in the bigs!

There are juiced-up sluggers everywhere, everywhere
Lots of juiced-up sluggers everywhere
We don't care how much you prance
When you do your strikeout dance, no way
If we only had a rock-solid closer
Our Rolaids we could all throw away...

Why, it's good old reliable Frankie,
Frankie, Frankie, Frankie to close!
If you're looking for strikeouts, he'll furnish a few
Even with the bases full he knows what to do
Yes, it's good old reliable Frankie,
Frankie, Frankie, Frankie to close!
And the oldest established permanently kick-ass bullpen in the bigs!

[Next scene: August, at the ballpark. The Angels have a 5-3 lead on Minnesota. SCIOSCIA and FRANKIE are on the mound at the start of the ninth inning]

SCIOSCIA
Now, Frankie, I now you've been having some problems recently, but that's in the past. Go out and get 'em.

[FRANKIE begins pitching. From off stage we hear "Ball one! Ball two! Ball three! Ball four! Ball one! Ball two! Ball three! Ball four! HOME RUN!" The crowd begins to boo.]

FRANKIE (to the tune of "Don't Cry for me, Argentina")
Nobody boos in Venezuela
In Venezuela, they always love me
I play December, when I am fresher
Is that the difference?

SCOSCIA
Wrong musical, dammit!

[Next scene. A trio of laptop-toting BLOGGERS are talking about Frankie's problems]

BLOGGER #1
We all know Frankie's finished! He doesn't have it anymore! First thing he does every night is put guys on base!

BLOGGER #2
Too many pitches out of the strike zone!

BLOGGER #3
No guts!

BLOGGER #1
Fortunately, I know exactly what to do to fix the Angels' bullpen woes!

BLOGGERS 2 and 3
Holy samoleons! What a coincidence!

(Sung to the tune of Fugue for Tinhorns)

BLOGGER #1
I got the arm right here, his name is Eric Cyr
And there's a guy that says if the bases are clear
Can do, can do
This guy says that Cyr can do
If he says that Cyr can do
Can do, Can do

BLOGGER #2
The guy is Scotty Dunn, oh boy he's number one
He's got a whole lotta strikeouts for the Salt Lake club
Live arm, live arm
That Dunn's got a real live arm
And K's keep you out of harm
Live arm, live arm

BLOGGER #3
No, no, it's Escobar, the guy's a superstar
And he's got the stuff we need to get the team real far
Won't melt, won't melt
He's been around and he won't melt
Got a lot of innings under his belt
Won't melt, won't melt

BLOGGER #1
Eric Cyr...

BLOGGER #2
Scotty Dunn...

BLOGGER #3
Escobar...

ALL
I've got the arm...right...here!

[Next scene: Stoneman's office]

STONEMAN
You're all washed up, kid. Your mechanics are terrible - it says so on the Internet. Fortunately, we've got someone taking your spot who's never blown a single big-leave save: Jered Weaver!

FRANKIE
Wha? Wasn't he playing college ball a year ago?

STONEMAN
Oh, like that matters. Keep your trap shut, and maybe we'll let you pitch mop-up.

[Next scene: the ballpark the next night. The Angels have a 3-2 lead on the A's going into the bottom of the ninth]

SCIOSCIA
Okay, Weaver, let's see some of that no-blown-save magic out there. And remember - no bad pitches! Unless they swing and miss. Then they're okay.

WEAVER
*Gulp*

[He takes the mound]

WEAVER (to the tune of "I've Never Been in Love Before")

I've never closed a game before
Now all at once it's me
My God, look at the score

I've never closed a game before
I thought that I'd be used
When we were up by four

But this is noise that's all too loud and shrill
The ump I want to kill
Should I be on the hill

So please don't swing at anything I throw
I've really never closed
A game before

[The sound of many bats hitting many balls comes from offstage, as WEAVER ducks and dodges balls hit back up the middle. The crowd boos lustily and he runs off-stage, weeping]

[Next scene: the ballpark again. Frankie has been summoned to pitch the ninth in a tight game again]

SCIOSCIA
Look, Frankie, the Jered Weaver thing didn't go so well. Turns out there might actually be a difference between pitching college ball and pitching in the bigs. Who knew?

FRANKIE
That's great and all, but should I really be out here? Won't Stoneman be mad?

SCIOSCIA (chuckling)
Don't worry about him. I told him Allard Baird was on the phone wanting to trade us Mike Sweeney. Stoneman won't come out of hiding 'til November.

FRANKIE
Well, that's good, I guess. But...

SCIOSCIA
What? What's wrong?

FRANKIE
It's my confidence, Skip. It's been shattered!

SCIOSCIA
Shattered?

FRANKIE
That's right...
(to the tune of "Sit Down, You're Rockin' the Boat")

Last night I dreamed I was on the mound in New York
And by some chance, I had brought a ball along
So there I stood, and I shouted "let's get started!"
But the fans knew that something was wrong...

And the people all said "sit down! Sit down, you're fanning the flames!"
The people all said "sit down! Sit down, you're fanning the flames!"
"For the Yankees will make a comeback, send you to the showers in utter shame,
Sit down sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down you're fanning the flames!"

SCIOSCIA
You know, Frankie, if there's one thing I've learned through all this, it's that Sean can write some song parodies, but he really just phones it in when it comes to dialogue. But if there's two things I've learned, the second is...

(to the tune of "Marry the Man Today")
You go with the guys you got
And sometimes you just get stung
Pitchers run cold and hot
But you dance with the one you brung

Go with the guys you got
Their talent got you this far
Go with the guys you got
Minus illegal pine tar

Slowly introduce them to refinements
The strike zone...
A change-up...
Pitching to contact...
STOP!

Just go with the guys you got
Rather than random youngsters
Go with the guys you got
And worry 'bout it in the winter!

FRANKIE
Dios Mio! I feel the confidence returning!
[SCIOSCIA runs off stage right. FRANKIE winds and delivers. A stentorian voice booms "Steee-rike three!" The crowd noise crescendoes]

SHIELDS, DONNELLY, and the rest of the cast enter stage right, pick up FRANKIE and put him on their shoulders

ENSEMBLE
That's just good old reliable Frankie,
Frankie, Frankie, Frankie to close!
And the oldest established permanently kick-ass bullpen in the bigs!

BILLY BEANE rushes in from stage left
Wait! Wait! I've got a song, too! [clears throat]
Long-term tendencies subject to statistical analysis be a lady tonight...

CURTAIN

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