I knew he'd be great even in the minors
is the funniest thing The Onion has done in years:
Antonio Alfonseca Once Again Leads Major-League Relievers In Fingers
October 6, 2005 Onion Sports
MIAMI—Florida Marlins pitcher Antonio Alfonseca dominated the MLB in
appendages for the ninth straight year, finishing the 2005 season with a
league-leading 12 fingers. Alfonseca, who made his debut with the Marlins in
1997 and wasted no time making this particular statistical category his own, led
the NL for almost the entire season, only falling into a close second during an
unusual two-week period in mid-August. Alfonseca's performance will trigger a $1
million bonus, as the Marlins signed him to an incentive-laden, oft-criticized,
finger-enumeration-based contract. "Antonio has been through a lot this season,
including some elbow problems and a trip to the DL," manager Jack McKeon said.
"But in the end, he just went out there and had a lot of fingers." There was
once again a tie for second place behind Alfonseca, with 214 pitchers amassing
10 fingers each, followed by Bob Wickman, who finished last with 9.7.
"But in the end, he just went out there and had a lot of fingers." I am slain.